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I often worry that mankind is going to start World War III soley because we enjoy trilogies.
Back in my day, we had to remember phone numbers and give people directions and don`t get me started on the dinosaurs.
I´m not lazy, I´m just highly motivated not to do anything.
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There`s like 10 women to each man and they`re already there looking for things they don`t need.
Facebook is the best place to say whatever you want. If it doesn’t go over well you can just say you were hacked.
Why can’t they make the whole week out of Saturdays?
Today, my wife asked "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat." "Yes, honey I do." was not the right answer.
My love is like a candle, If you forget about me, I`ll burn your frikin house down!
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don`t know the man & he doesn`t know you`re eating his popcorn
*Knocks on door* Hey open up. You didn`t reply to my last 43 inbox messages & then you updated about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?
Now that I think about it... Facebook became popular ever since I made an account.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I got kicked out of a Yoga class today. Apparently, your not supposed to do the `Downward Dog` on top of another person.
Cologne - because people shouldn`t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.