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I get in this weird mood where I don`t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood `Awake`
Do you want to know Victoria`s Secret? Their lingerie doesn`t look the same on your girlfriend as it does on their models..
Before I wash my socks, I just throw one in the trash.
50% of people believe s@x is "the connecting of two people`s souls through two people`s bodies, as one." The other 50% are guys
Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn`t talk much and I like that.
I like my coffee like I like my women, hot and a lot of alcohol in them
Perfect has 7 letters and so does meeeeee ....Coincidence? I think not.
My lifetime stats are pretty average until you move over to the Pizza Consumed column.
It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”
I want to grow old and disgusting with you.
I don`t know what I`d do without coffee...Probably twenty five to life in the state penitentiary.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
iTunes got it all wrong, the hottest single of the year is me.
is ready to have one too many!