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Being an adult is mainly drinking coffee and pretending to be productive.
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
They say when life gives you lemons….but what if life hands you a rather large banana? What then, my friend? What then?
You can`t fight Destiny. Because if you try to fight Destiny, then you have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too...
If you want to get me to do something, bribery does work.
u smile i smile u laugh i laugh u cry i`ll go get a bat and say who`s gonna get it
You know you`ve picked the right friends if no one has nominated you for the ice bucket challenge
Why can’t I lose weight easily I mean I lose everything else without a problem.
Everything I know about women, I learned from the Wizard of Oz. For example: If a woman sees a pair of shoes she wants, she`ll drop a house on the bitch to get them.
My blood test came back as B+ Any tips how I can get an A+ next time?
Due to an unforeseen error during last night`s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
The awkward moment when you realise you’re wrong in an argument, but you keep arguing anyway.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
When I see somebody get on one knee tying their shoe in public I get in front of them, happy cry, and say “Oh my GOD, I will, YES-YESS!”
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.