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If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it`s because they`ve just killed someone right?
I don`t have a smartphone I have a phone that shows potential but doesn`t apply itself
How can you tell if a smurf has the blues?
the WORLDS shortest joke..... "2 women were sitting together quietly
I’m not going bald. I’m getting more head.
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
I always wince when someone tells me they’re going to hit the sack.
Women have to deal with periods, pregnancy, childbirth, menopause and hot flashes. Men have to deal with women.
I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
I dream of a day when a mysterious hand will pop out of the screen and b!tch-slap you silly each time you post a boring or stupid status.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
Women forgive and forget but always make sure you don`t forget that they forgave you and forgot about it.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
I like to skip when I`m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.