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Hot Pockets: For when you want every bite to be a different temperature.
Note To Self: Even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal.
You know it`s gonna be a sh!tty day when you put your bra on backwords and it fits better.
Working from home and HR already cited me for sexual misconduct.
Found out today you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at the waffle house... just trying to help.
Sorry for whatever I said when I was hungry.
If two cannibals fight, does that make it a food fight?
If you didn`t want to be hit with a shovel then you never should have started telling me about your problems.
Well that’s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I’m doing
This is probably the best idea I`ve had yet! -me, right before I do something stupid
Humpty Dumpty was pushed I tell ya. PUSHED!!!!!!
I swear, if one more person calls me an alcoholic they are getting a high five too.
I found that 99% of the time, when I`m not listening, just saying "that`s some bullshi*t" makes them happy.
Please God cure my hangover and I promise I will never drink again, also please forgive me in advance for lying about never drinking again.
I`ve been waiting all winter to complain about the summer heat