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I`m sorry I slapped you. It`s just you seemed like you weren`t going to stop talking and I panicked.
Jerry: Tom, you are a genius!.. Tom: Yeah, I am called that a lot... Jerry: What? Genius?... Tom: No, `Tom`
Saw a billboard ad for potato chips that proudly claimed "There`s a lot of pride in every bag!" Hmmm...is "pride" another word for "air"?
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I`m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Never let your printer know you`re in a rush, those bastards smell fear
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
Good things come to those who wait. Better things come if you stop f*cking around and make sh!t happen.
I did not steal your drink. You abandoned it and I rescued it.
Having a dirty mind makes simple conversation much more exciting!
Who actually clicks on the "No I am not over 18" links on "adult" pages?
If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
Adding "and sh!t" at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.
Facebook: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk post the world?
Do you have neighbors?.. Do you have extension cords?..... Are you paying too much for electricity?
Coffee? I`ll have a cream soda ... One cup of coffee and I`m up all afternoon.