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If I could be anyone else in the whole world, I would still be me so that I wouldn`t have to buy new clothes.
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
I made a New Years Resolution to gain 20 lbs, so I can relish in the sense of accomplishment and success!
Of course I`m using OJ as a mixer, it`s flu season.
The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
I hate being bi-polar. It`s awesome.
?”Nobody listens to me….” – Yellow traffic light
Recent survey asked people in the U.S if there are too many immigrants: 17% said yes, 83% said Lo siento, no hablan Inglés
Today everything gets answered by the magic eight ball
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn`t improved since fourth grade.
Bitch, I grew up on the streets!!...Yes, it was Sesame
It should really be called teethpaste.
I have a condition that renders me unable to go on a diet… I get hungry.
Of course I`m crazy, but that doesn`t mean I`m wrong