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My fitness goal is to weigh what I told the DMV I weigh.
Got my friend a Starbucks gift card. 2 weeks later I get a call. They said hey Dean, u put any money on this Starbucks gift card. I said no it´s a gift card. That´s the beauty of it u can put as much money on it as u want.
Scientist say that universe is made up of Electrons, Protons and Neutrons...They forgot to mention MORONS...
The biggest problem with two-faced people is, never knowing which face to slap first.
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on? Asking for a friend.
The male version of a tramp stamp should be called a douche tag.
And yet another year goes by with People magazine failing to recognize my beauty.
I read my kids a few select facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"
I wish I had the balls to be a juggler.
Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer”
I put on real clothes today. What more do you want from me?
All a girl wants is a guy that can make her laugh ... and not just when he drops his pants.
In order to avoid hating myself in the morning, I sleep till noon.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.
I’m dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.