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I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
"Slow and steady wins the race." Unless it`s one of those weird races that puts an emphasis on speed
Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone.. and if I do, I’ll tell them not to tell anyone.
I`ll be right with you, I`m busy being inappropriate on the internet.
Have you ever wondered what a job application at Hooters is like? Maybe they just give you a bra and say, “here, fill this out”.
What if animals all speak a universal language, and we’re the odd ones out???
No great story started with someone drinking water.
She said she was stripping to feed her kids but then got pissed when I started throwing canned goods at her
I need to do laundry so bad I`m actually wearing Christmas stockings
I`m paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.
Most friends with benefits have such high deductibles that you`ll always be paying way too much out of pocket.
When I text someone and they don`t text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from the excitement.
Sorry, Sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours
A guy had his whole left side torn off, the doctor said he`s all right.
I sure could help a lot of needy people if I won the big Powerball draw. Mainly sales people needing a commission, but still...