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You wouldn`t believe all the cool stuff I find when I`m under my bed playing.
You feel naked without your phone, I feel naked without my clothes.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called “fun sized” should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn`t hand out drugs.
How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate
I try to live by two rules: 1. Don’t make fun of stupid people (they cant help it) 2. Don’t be stupid (people will make fun of you)
Christmas spirit? I`m proud to say I`ve got plenty of that. I`ve got rum, whiskey, gin, brandy, vodka and tequila.
Start each day with a positive thought like, "I can go back to bed in about 17 short hours."
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does
Don`t hate me because I`m beautiful. Hate me because your man thinks I am.
I did all I can do. I can´t do no more
Strange new trend at work. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich named Jennifer.
I think my TV remote has developed some sort of Romulan cloaking technology.
5 symptoms of laziness –> 1.
My neighbor put the box his fridge came in on the curb for trash pickup. Guess who has a new fort!