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A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Whenever I check my weight, I always subtract 5 pounds. I don`t think that boobs and brains this fabulous should count against me.
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
I`m not lazy, I`m in energy saving mode.
I almost got raped in jail last night. My family takes Monopoly very seriously.
Its around this time each year that i just enjoy going outside and seeing my christmas lights already set up from the year before.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they look.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy, if you put it in your stomach first.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
I know u r but what am I ?
Health care in this country is a disgrace. My doctor said run 3 miles a day for a month. I`m now completely lost & 90 miles away from home.
Copy this and paste it in your status if you know someone, or have heard of someone who knows someone.. If you don´t know anyone, or even if you´ve heard of someone who doesn´t know anyone, then do still copy this. It´s important to spread the message. Oh and the hearts ? ? ? ? For crap´s sake, don´t forget the hearts! ? ? ? ?
I wish there was a reality show where people learned grammar.
No Grandma, "sausage fest" is not a new special breakfast at IHOP