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My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.
Why is that in girls tampon commercials they dance and laugh? Shouldn`t they be revving chainsaws and burning sh!t down?
Don´t worry ... It only seems kinky the first time.
I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti! I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day!
If you`re going to have opinions on my life, then I am assuming you will be paying some of the bills.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..
I`m getting tired of having to write "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails. Maybe I should just get an iPhone.
If you try to fail but you succeed which have you done?
Half a dozen: because “six” is way to long.
The older I get the better I used to be.
Here is a thought for all you mind readers out there…