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You can stop lifting weights now; it’s actually your personality that nobody likes.
Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
It`s been few days since I heard from the voices in my head, I think it`s the calm before the storm. Some big sh!t is gonna go down!!
The only time I use the word “selfie” is when I am describing my sex life.
A sofa is a vacation for your a$$...
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of the plane...
If you ever find lotion on a guy`s night stand, it`s not because he wants to moisturize his skin.
My number one rule to live by is: Don’t die.
I didn`t mean to offend you, that was just a bonus.
Google image results are like a party that starts off exactly how you expected and gets weirder the longer you stay.
People who say "Don`t mix drugs with alcohol"" ... they`re stupid, right?
It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them,The police call it indecent exposure but whatever...
I think my TV remote has developed some sort of Romulan cloaking technology.
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
"Wow! That butterfly`s gonna be HUGE!" - First person to find a mummy