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To those that manufacture and market tight, thin yoga pants to fit college girls; I love you man.
When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm down.
Reverse Psychology: DO not STALK MY FB PAGE. YOU ARE not OBSESSED WITH ME...
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I`m gone.
I really like compliments but I don`t want anyone talking to me...
"Is that for here or to go?" —Real estate agent selling a mobile home
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.
If you can’t be a good example, then you’l just have to serve as a horrible warning
Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you`re able to get away with.
When your kids become teenagers, it`s important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.
Probably a good thing I`m not a ghost cause I`d just stay in the kitchen and scare people then eat all their food.
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..