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April 1st is the absolute worst day to have a heart attack.
Scott Baio is not a part of the Presidential transition team. I’m really disappointed that Charles is not in Charge of anything.
If the NSA and IRS teamed up, I wouldn’t have to do my taxes.
Those Box Tops that raise money for schools really should be on wine labels and cases of beer.
"Lets all put our phones down and talk with each other.." - Someone who has run out of phone battery.
Long time ago I used to be young and handsome.. Today? Just handsome
One day I shall rule the World! Until then, I`m going to bed
I don`t work that hard, I just make everything look way more difficulat than it is...
No man has ever won a game of `notice anything different about me?`
Family and Friends - I am FAR too busy to listen to any of your problems or concerns *Googles do penguins go to heaven?*
Me and my recliner...we go way back.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
You know you`re getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.
I wonder if these beers are performance enhancing. I’m feeling pretty awesome!!