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Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
If you`re going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you`re just an ass.
When choosing a ring tone, always ask yourself, "How embarrassed will I be when this rings in public?"
what if the princess wants to be with bowser, but mario keeps kidnapping her
Yes, bitches be trippin’ but maybe I pushed one.
To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.
At work hitting the escape key...... Nothing is happening, im still here.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Too bad the little guy "Tattoo" from Fantasy Island isn`t around anymore. They could ask HIM where the plane is!
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, can burn your a$$ tomorrow.
The longest yard for me is that space between me and the nacho dip
okay it was me..... I did it ..... I let the dogs out
I got a Rolex for my birthday from my lesbian friends. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling.. as I butter a doughnut