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That urge you get to write “No one gives a crap” on someone’s status.
I don`t mind helping people as long as I`m not slightly inconvenienced.
If it requires pants, its not happening today.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
It`s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.
My body is made up of 90% water, 5% pizza and 5% wine.
If you enter a room and there`s no food, you`re in the wrong room.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called Everything Else
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they`re going to put you in one.
Hey sorry I’m late, I didn’t want to come.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
I just heard someone say "I can`t wait for 13/13/13" .....let`s take a moment and pray for this dumbass
I never used to mind my wife hitting me in the face as she climaxed until I found out she was faking it.
The Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. It`s about two women trying to kill each other over shoes.