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If you`re single and you know it hug your cat!
Whenever I screw up at work, I`m so glad I`m not a doctor.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding… that the other person is a complete idiot!
Sleeping is so difficult when you have a world awake in your phone.
If one of Santa`s helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?
I don`t know if I`ve got some free time, or if I just forgot what the hell I`m supposed to be doing...
Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever`s bugging you.
I`m not a mechanic so I don`t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Don`t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex`s name tattooed.
If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don`t be open.
WebMD auto dialed an ambulance when I entered my chicken nugget intake.
Having plans sounds great until you realize you have to put on clothes and actually leave the house.
I`m going to spend Valentine`s day with my ex.... Box 360
Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine`s Day.
I`m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I`ve been to in the last week that`s had "insufficient funds".