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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like "Please don`t stay long!" or "I hope you brought booze."
this website used to be full of funny statuses. Then the 8-year olds came in.
I don’t understand how my house gets so messy when I literally sit in one spot with my phone all day.
Boobs, because you can`t motorboat a personality.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around.
Do you realize that Scrooge was essentially water-boarded into changing his outlook on Christmas?
"Never pick a fight with an ugly person. They`ve got nothing to lose." -Robin Williams
I`m glad it`s the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the sh!t I should be doing.
Digging through a box in the closet and I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost 2 years ago.
Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you`re no detective
Never look directly at the people having a sizzling plate of fajitas delivered to their table... It’s what they want.
Hey Lady!, I just deposited $43 dollars in THIS bank.. DON`T FROWN AT ME WHEN I TAKE 3 SUCKERS!
When you introduce clapping to your dancing you might probably be too old to be in a night club at 1am.
People always ask me, where do I come up with my status`, do I make them up, or do I get them from the internet.. Truth is people. I use Status Enhancing Drugs.