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I was gonna take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed ... Again.
The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway? You`re welcome.
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I`ll be out sick.
Every morning I check my girlfriends horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
I never get caught because I`ve watched all 27 seasons of Cops..
I was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers
Today I learned that not all people like ventriloquists. Particularly my gynecologist.
U make me wish I had more middle fingers
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, "When I was your age I didn`t believe in reincarnation either".
Somewhere in the world right now, somebody is buying a house based on its potential for great bathroom selfies.
Success is like a fart. It only bothers people when it`s not their own.
They said money can`t by happiness. But it can buy tattoos, car parts, and beer. What else could we need?
I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards