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I just found out that checking your credit score actually LOWERS your credit rating. Seriously? That`s like every time you look in the mirror, you get a little bit uglier.
Funny how things change with time, I used to hate spankings...
If you don’t like being tailgated then don’t play movies I like.
I get nervous after taking time off work, that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
How am I supposed to get any work done with all this work I have to do?
Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.
If at first you don`t succeed then maybe you just suck.
Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?
Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow`s ass
Someone stole my identity and returned it 10 minutes later.
Sometimes I listen to strangers conversations and mentally give my opinion
A book fell on my head, I can only blame my shelf.
A sure cure for sea-sickness is to sit under a tree.