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Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor`s coupons?
Just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.
What`s worse to have stuck in your head; a knife or All About That Bass?
If you really think about it, "Nightlife" is just a fancy word for drinking alcohol at a place that isn`t your house.
I received an email from a hacker that had accessed my bank account. It simply read, "LOL".
I get so tired of the same old BS...can´t I get a little BS variety?
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Google maps should have a “Scenic!” route option for when we’re not in a hurry and just want to enjoy the ride.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
Requesting a table in the “Hot Waitress” section should be socially acceptable.
Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.
Me: I must be out of my mind. Me: You and me both.
I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.
He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it`s all screaming and sh!t.