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Men like football because the priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man’s life…. Scoring and Ball Security.
I bought some shoes of a drug dealer, I don`t know what he laced them with but I`ve been tripping all day.
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
So I ran into an old girlfriend who I dated who`s new boyfriend she was with looked exactly like me when I was seeing her. You know, miserable
I hope these environmentally friendly toilets save at least 3x the water because that’s how many times I need to flush.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: "None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare."
Don`t pick on Aquaman! The crime rate underwater is pretty damn low the last time I checked.
I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I`ll take a Dirty Hammock."
I feel pretty confident that if anyone ever steals my identity, they will inevitably improve my credit score…
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let`s negotiate.
I just got a piece of mail that says "open immediately" but I`m gonna wait a few minutes.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, nobody else wanted them either :)
Well if you didn`t want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?
If your conspiracy theory doesn`t involve cats and dogs, don`t bother me.