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Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
I`m just here until I can make day drinking a full time job
Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
Feeling bored? Go to a clothing store and put "one size fits all" stickers on the bras.
I really like it when women check me out, they seem to be able to work the register a lot better than men.
Just once I wanna see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f**k..."
Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking slut.
Life is like a box of chocolates. Get your own and stay the hell out of mine.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn`t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me...
Pringles should make their containers like a Push Up Pop.
Why do they call a status a status if it already happened? I mean, shouldnt it be called History?
Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They`re always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.
Seriousley.. The cuntestents in the 2013 speling beee contast hafe too now no the meening of the werd thay hafe been axed too spell. I coud rock that contast so eesy :))))) eg. The meening of "Easy". Anser: a kids oven
10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.
That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.