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everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
People always get offended when you call their baby ugly, but they never understand that they`ve offended you by showing you an ugly baby.
"You`re as crazy as your mother" is the last thing I remember saying before waking up in intensive care
If you`ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you`ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Yeah, I was dropped as a baby. Into a pool of sheer awesome.
Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I should die before I wake, tell my friends I drank it straight.
A man walks into a bar & orders a beer. He drinks it, looks in his pocket & orders another. This happens 7 more times. Bartender asks, "What`s in your pocket?" Man says, "I have a photo of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I`ll go home."
I generally don`t hang out with people who are missing digits on their feet. It`s not that I`m a jerk. I`m just lack-toes intolerant.
You can always make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Don`t, under any circumstance, believe I`ll return your Tupperware.
When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don’t have if they are asking me for advice.
I say the things better left unsaid.