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For once I’d like to get kicked into a bar
Never look back. That’s where all the monsters are.
Went to the bookstore to pick up a "Where`s Waldo" book today, but couldn`t find any. Well played Waldo, well played...
I solve my problems by blatantly ignoring them and going on the internet.
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
Life Tip: Tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry, they will clean it for free!
GF: "You`re cute when you`re drunk" Me: "You`re cute when I`m drunk too"
That feeling you get when you meet someone named dick....
First you`re telling me to be myself, then you`re telling me to stop being an idiot. Make up your mind!
Been there, done that. allegedly
If I`m carrying a torch for you it`s only because I want to set you on fire.
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
Taxes are like a subscription to your country that you can`t cancel, no matter how bad the service gets.
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was big white bear with no sexual preference.