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Live today like it`s your last!! But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn`t.
I talked to my mom, and she said she probably hadn`t had sex with any of you guys. Damn dirty liars.
Every day is a struggle between wanting to lose weight and wanting to eat my weight in pizza.
You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer, but you can`t take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?
I have just one thing to ask you people who say the memory is the first thing to go: What did I come in here for?
October is breast awareness month for women, men are usually aware of breasts all year round.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Being normal? Ugh. I can`t imagine how awful that must be.
I would’ve slept my way to the top years ago if it actually involved sleeping.
I really just need a vodka cranberry and a slap on the a$$. Hold the cranberry.
I want rich people problems. Like where to land my private jet.
my entire life is a "had to be there" moment
Bulimia: Twice the taste. Zero Calories.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do. Happy Fathers Day!
It`s no fun if you have permission.