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Don`t ask me how my night was coz I don`t know. I was asleep.
they say "money cant buy happiness" but money pays for my internet connection and my vodka so im thinking maybe "they" are wrong
If you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.
I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
Pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer.....me trying not to drop a child
Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.
Holidays are a lot of fun until you realize you`ve been dating the ugly sister
People really need to get with the times. Smartphones are not for talking anymore.
I don’t make mistakes too often, but when I do it’s your fault.
I just want to point out that I am an Amazon Prime member so it`s about time you guys started treating me with a little respect.
Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer”
Okay I`m going to workout. Should I post about it now or after I`m done?
I fold down my laptop screen very slowly at night so I don`t squish you guys.
Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn`t for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.
"You`re going to love my friend. He`s hilarious." is still the best way to know you`re about to meet an annoying person.