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Before the internet I used to like people.
Iām eating for two ā me and that skinny girl inside my body. She likes cake, too.
Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb . Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.
I think that there are two things that we can all agree on: Boobs.
Going on a dangerous assignment. If I don`t come back, can someone please tell my girlfriend that I always found her laugh really annoying. Thanks.
There must be an easier way to transport long poles across canyons other than walking across a tightrope carrying one pole at a time.
Was shopping when a small child riding shotgun in a shopping cart yelling "why you ain`t got no babies?"I bet my father in law paid her
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
It`s just adorable how the Liquor Store cashier always wishes me a good week as if I won`t be back tomorrow.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially since his name is Mike.
You know who your true friends are when they call you at 3AM just to tell you they love you and that their drunk...
Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.
Honestly, I have no idea what I would even do with 5 hours of energy.
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I`m just cooking!"
I don`t drink to feel better about myself. I drink to feel better about being with you