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Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
During Sex you burn as much calories as running 5 miles ... Who the f*ck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds.
My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day.
Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying, "I like where I wake up to always be a surprise."
You make me have filthy thoughts, and for that I thank you...
It`s almost Valentines Day and I still don`t know what to get myself yet.
If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don`t hit me again officer...
I used to be a kleptomaniac but now I take something for it.
My head hurts, I think my horns are coming in...
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
It`s so awkward when you get texted to come over and you have to pretend like you weren`t already inside their house.
The lady next to me in the elevator told me to press One. That was the last thing I remembered
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.
If your friends don’t make fun of you, they’re not your true friends.
I heard recently on the radio that, "If a man looks at womens breasts for 10 mins a day he will add 5 years to his life".. Can anyone confirm this?!! If so what are we waiting for?