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When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
It was awkward when she said, "And yet your feet are so big."
To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. If a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.
Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better
Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs
Roses are red, violets are blue. god made me pretty,what happened to you?
Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
My neighbor`s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Tomorrow I`m going to start using big words to sound smart....Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
My house is not a mess. It`s just that everything is on display for your viewing pleasure. Like a museum.
My number was 0...
Im switching some friends from my Facebook account to my Fakebook account.
I could never trust a psychic who hasn`t won the lottery at least once.