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Women need a tattoo that somehow signals their menstrual cycle ... * A Cramp Stamp
I bet some of you would absolutely kill it in a race where you had to jump over obstacles while looking at your phone.
I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
When I get home the first thing I`m going to do is rip my wife`s panties off. Because they`re too small and the elastic is killing me.
if you want me to go running with you, I´m going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.
I can’t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about sh!t ...?
How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?
Live life to its fullest even if that means eating everything in the fridge
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.
I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!
You`re an intellectual who doesn`t read books? I completely understand because I`m an athlete that rarely moves.
I’m not in denial, I’m just selective about the reality I choose to accept :)
I used to think I was good at multi-tasking. Turns out it’s just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.