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BEER! The official sponsor of hot days!
The ‘poke’ button on Facebook should be replaced with a ‘slap’ button.
To whoever finds the $20 I dropped last night: spend it on alcohol. It`s what I would have wanted.
I`m sick to death of these letters from the City of College Station bullying me to mow my grass! If Walmat can prepare for Christmas 3 mths in advance why can`t I do the same for Easter!!!??
Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...
Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.
The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money.
Time to get out of bed and worry from another location.
My "check engine" light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.
Being an adult is a lot like going to the vet. We`re all excited for the ride until we realize what it`s like where we`re going.
I`m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that`s how weather works.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny sh!t.
Life…it’s just an “F” in lie.
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.