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How many "zero likes" do you have to get on Facebook before you realize nobody gives a crap about you
If it hurts when you pee, urine trouble.
I hate it when I`m in a crowded elevator and yell out "GROUP HUG!" and people look at me all weird and stuff.. Making friends is hard.
Recipes sound good until you realize that you don`t have $846 worth of spices in your house.
If ignorance really was bliss we`d have a lot more really happy people around here.
Went down the gym and burnt 1200 calories today. I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven!
I`d say that 6:30 is the best clock time, hands down.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
Don’t waste electricity. How would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
Thoughts of you make my demons nervous.
Here’s a little bit of advice for you.. advi
To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it. Threading a needle isn`t easy.
The only person that can procrastinate more than me hasn`t even been born yet.
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.
Confuse your coworkers today by telling them you`re going to the restroom to do a "number 3"