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Wouldn’t it be great to hear a priest say “been there, done that” in reply to your confessed sins?
I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.
If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I`d just laugh and search with them.
The path to inner peace begins with 3 simple words....Not my problem.
“100 Calorie Packs” roughly translated means “Eat Two or Three of These”
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos
It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn`t nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...
I don`t use my cell phone in the car... I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.
Love your neighbor. But don`t get caught.
Dear vegetarians, thanks for saving all the good food for us.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
A cop pulled me over and said ``Papers...`` So I said, ``Scissors, I win!`` and drove off like a boss!
We got an extra day this year. Why did it have to be a Monday?
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.
I said my wife`s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet`s empty...