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Actually, The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is ... Just open the door and push her out.
If I could move things by telekinesis I`d squeeze people`s insides and make them fart.
I`m on a pepperoni pizza cleanse.
No one needs a vacation from me more than me.
That very akward moment when Shakirah`s hips lie!
Why is it that when my wife refers to her friends as "girlfriends" its normal but when i call my male friends "boyfriends" i lose my friends?
I`ve been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don`t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
I wonder whether I can trust doctors with dead plants in the waiting room.
Don’t break anyone’s heart; they only have one. Break they’re bones. They have over 200 of them.
There is a gym called Anytime Fitness. I choose 2030.
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
At times I wish I had a clone, but then I realize, I could never live with that a$$hole.
Energy conservation activists would get more attention if they called themselves power rangers.
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish ... I`m not even high.