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The guy who invented wet t-shirt contests probably has no idea that shirts can just be taken off.
Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you`re ugly.
Cant imagine the look on Obamas face when he saw `Olympus Has Fallen`..His next quote would have been.."No more Taiwans in the secret Elevetor office"
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.
I saw the city workers putting up a sign on my street and it says Bumpy road ... so I put up a sign that says ,, FIX IT !
Watching MTV Cribs makes me feel better about downloading music off the internet.
I really want to see you tonight. So could you please leave the blinds up and the curtains open?
It took me quite some time to be this good a procrastinator
I just assume that when a restaurant automatically adds 15% to the bill for a tip that the service is going to suck.
The difference between a straight girl and a lesbian is about four or five drinks.
I asked my wife what women really want, she said attentive lovers. Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn`t really listening.
Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I`d be back to my birth weight.