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Some of the nicest women you`ll meet on Facebook are men.
See, this is why I never like too wake up, it means doing things.
I have OCD and ADD, so everything must be perfect..but not for very long.
3 horrible facts: 1. Today is not Friday... 2. Tomorrow is not Friday... 3. The day after tomorrow is not Friday...
One day, I will solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, it will be with alcohol.
If you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.
There are over 10 different flavors of Ramen Noodles, yet they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny, AND thin ... It`s a public service really.
Sorry for whatever I said when I was hungry.
Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
This donut scented car freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
The bears had it right choosing to hibernate all winter.
Why are police men so strong? Because they hold up traffic.
I don`t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.
Million dollar idea: A snooze button that lets you sleep longer the harder you hit it.