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When I want your opinion, I’ll give it a funny voice.
United should roll out Rodeo Rewards where you get paid based on how long you are able to stay on the plane when you are chosen to volunteer.
"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast.
I hate when people see me at the store and are like "Hey, what are you doing?" I`m like "Oh you know, hunting elephants."
Learn a lesson from your dog. No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that crap and move on.
It`s a good idea to test your immune system from time to time by eating a gas station hot dog
If your that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
Porn is a lot like yoga pants. Not everybody should be in them.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I don’t necessarily believe in karma, but I’m gonna be extra careful crossing the street after this weekend.
So apparently the security guard at Kroger didn`t believe that life gave me that lemon.
I have four missed calls from my mom. A rescure team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting on my couch in my underwear eating cheetos any minute now.
There’s a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the “close this ad” button.
Whenever I receive a text saying bahaha, I like to believe you are a sheep on drugs.