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My boss said we needed to find ways to save time and be more productive, so I just moved the coffee maker to my desk
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
I like my coffee like I like my women, hot and a lot of alcohol in them
I just found love.....its on page 369 in dictionary
Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else`s accomplishments.
The problem with alcohol is that... it wears off.
I never thought you could really guess too low whenever a woman asks you her age. I guess 6 was pushing it.
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I wish I could match my dog`s excitement to go outside.
Answering all questions with "but you ain`t got no legs Lieutenant Dan" stops people from asking you questions.
Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2) if it does not look like it`s breathing give it mouth-to_mouth
What idiot called it the "Happy Birthday" song instead of New Age music
The person next to me just farted.. Does this mean my lungs are full of his poo particles -.-