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Where did Noah keep his bees? ... In the ark hives ... Yes, I`m showing myself out, thanks
I was sitting in traffic the other day. That’s probably why I got run over.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
In terms of procrastination, I`ve had a very productive day.
Did you know statistically you`re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a kitchen knife.
Dating Tip: If she hasn`t kissed you by the third date, she`s there for the food.
no one is perfect thats why pencil have eraser
I used to be a kleptomaniac but now I take something for it.
I was blown away when I realised the word " OK " is a side ways person.
This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.
Johnny : Pull my finger Tommy : No Johnny: "Come Bro Do IT!!" Tommy : fine ... Johnny : *SNEEZE IN THE FACE*
I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.
i like boobs
I`m glad the Eclipse is over so I can go back to staring directly into the sun.
The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.