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Stop complaining about being single. We have bigger problems here. Like why McDonald’s doesn’t serve breakfast after 10:30.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you`re signing a cast.
It takes two people to lie....one to lie.....the other to listen
"Baby on Board" Oh really? Thanks for letting me know. I was about to ram into your car but now I won`t.
I was bored of doing the same thing day in and day out,so I phoned the "Local Ramblers Club"....but the guy on the other end of the phone just went on and on and on!
I think I’m allergic to mornings.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it`s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
My mom just sent me a friend request on Facebook! Finally I can use that "I`m not your friend I`m your mother" speech to my advantage.
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
What if "I`m coming out with a new scent" was just a way for famous people to warn others that they were about to fart?
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
The more I drink the better my Idea`s seem to get.
Don’t compare yourself to others, that’s when you start to lose confidence in yourself.
My last thought in life will probably be ” I wonder what happens if I touch this?”
Trojan should be sponsoring Teen Mom. That show is the best advertisement for why you should always wear condoms.