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If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Did you know that if you put a finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Pacman.
I`m so unlucky with women? I visited a massage parlour the other day..and they told me it was "self - service"
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
The perfect time for a snack is while you’re waiting for another snack to finish cooking.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
I’ve discovered, the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.
Figure it out people. It’s a 4-way stop sign not a woman.
Redneck Term Of Thee Day-Wisdom: "Mah bruther had him some kidney stones, but he wisdom out!"
I haven`t been this disappointed since I first saw a real hedgehog and it wasn`t blue.
Most difficult job ever.......Working in a bubble wrap factory......Imagine the self control needed.
Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps, or does he just feel like he is at work?
Calling out your ex`s name during sex is a nice way to show your current lover that you won`t forget them after you break up.
My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers
Back in my day we had 9 planets.