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I`d gladly eat raw eggs before my workout provided those eggs were inside brownie batter.
Laxatives............for people who don`t give a crap.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: pfft. I could think of like fifty reasons, I’m not falling for that.
If my sarcasm confuses you it`s because you`re stupid.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
Sorry I liked your status, I was cleaning my phone.
Why is it called "reading a book" and not paper view?
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
When I was a kid I remember I fell asleep in the couch and woke up in the bed, now I fall asleep in the couch and wake up on the floor.
Dear person reading this, just want you to know that someone cares about you. It`s not me, but I`m sure someone does...
When I see someone yawn, I yawn. I wish it was the same with exercising....
Wouldn`t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 mins and come out wrinkle free and 2 sizes smaller...
Unless you are selling Thin Mints, don’t ever knock on my door.
Found a note on my door today that said ”You’re Awesome!” ... Yes, I wrote it yesturday. But still, the truth is the truth.