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My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
They say you`re not supposed to go to the grocery store when you`re hungry. It`s been several days now, what should I do?
I don’t repeat gossip, so listen carefully
I never make plans until I know how I am getting out of them.
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.
If money can`t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
I may hate waiting. But I love procastinating.
2013 is the first year since 1987 to have 4 different numbers… carry on.
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
I got in touch with my musculine side today - laying on the couch all day, eating gross food, playing games...
If you needed to wear camouflage in a gingerbread house, would you wear ginger snaps?
If you reach your hand into a woman`s purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you`re looking for.
That awkward moment when you remember something funny, and can’t stop smiling like an idiot.
I`ve finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.