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Because of smart phones my thumbs now have biceps.
Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.
Size does matter-just ask Pluto.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe`s poker table you`re too mature for me.
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
I know they didn`t ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.
If you like to make love while listening to music, always choose a live album. ..That way you`ll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes. :)
No, whenever there`s trouble, YOU always seem to be around ... officer.
To a musician, a g-string means something completely different than it does to me. .
The difference between your house smelling like delicious popcorn or burnt a$$ is around 24 seconds ..
If my jokes offend you: 1. I’m sorry. 2. It won’t happen again. 3. 1 & 2 are lies. 4. You’re a wussy.
May your neighbors respect you, troubles neglect you, angels protect you and heaven accept you.
Won’t go back in my bathroom until spider is gone! Web search for “spider life span” reveals I will be able to shower again in 1 to 2 years.
The awkward moment when you type HO instead of HI.
You know you should goto sleep when the sheep you`re counting start hitting the fence.