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Does this status update make me look fat?
It`s so hard to find obedient minions
My support group can outdrink your support group.
I think I really have an amazing butt. Every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say "what an ass.."
Sports commentators need to stop saying penetrate
If u cant live without me, why aren`t you dead yet.
Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night... In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat And then I realized that he can`t even afford a washer or a dryer
No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that girls do.
You know someone has a drinking problem when they go to the bar at 5pm, you know you have a drinking problem when you`re already there.
So... Where does one obtain minions?
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do. Happy Fathers Day!
I’m a fan of saying YOU’RE WELCOME really loudly when people don’t thank you.