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Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the smart one
Dear Graduates: Congratulations on making it through the easiest part of your life!
If Candy Crush had a face, I`d punch it.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I bought a box of "SO CALLED" Hot Pockets --- brought them home, and opened one to eat it, and the Damned thing was FROZEN ----- Miis-Advertizing at it`s BEST!!! Now what do I do with the Damned thing???? :-P
Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway? You`re welcome.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."
Some people just lack the ability to realize that everyone in the room wants them to shut up.
You call it free samples, I call it a free all you can eat buffet.
Smile, it´s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what`s going on and there`s a lot of wine drinking.
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
I don`t know why it`s necessary to get a glass dirty, when wine tastes perfectly fine straight out of the bottle.
Karma may "work" but I think that bitch takes a lot of days off
I wonder who the first person was to see an egg come out of a chickens butt and think...`That looks tasty, I`m gonna eat that.`