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The more you know. Daylight Savings started back in 1964 when Jerry Daylight Savings was an hour late for work & convinced his boss all the clocks were wrong.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I`m having several tonite.
My home security system is a series of paintings with the eyes cut out.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Don`t tell me I look tired unless you`re offering to carry me
My Boss requested me on facebook. I was like "pssst". If only he knew all the sh*t I post about his ugly @$$.
I`m fat, but I blame my dog for not exercising me enough.
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
Apparently typos only become visible to the human eye after you hit send.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. It was way too literal for me.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
The only person that can procrastinate more than me hasn`t even been born yet.
Really offended that these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don`t treat every burrito with the utmost respect
My favorite thing to say to old people is, "When I was your age I didn`t believe in reincarnation either".
Now tell me how old your baby is in hours.