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Please excuse me for talking while you were interrupting.
Holy sh!t! I just opened a bag of cheddar and sour cream Ruffles and one of the chips was plain. This is a sign, man. God is going to smite all of us f*ckers with his wrath and send us to all to burn in the eternal flames of... Sorry. Just one side of the chip was plain. Carry on.
When I win the lottery, the first thing I`m going to buy is a pot to piss in. I`ve always wanted one of those.
The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.
I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.
I do my best proofreading after I hit send.
I like to follow random families around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all their photos.
It’s a good job Apple isn’t in charge of New Year. We’d all be expecting 2015 and get 2014S instead.
I love the phrase "boobie trapped" I mean, who doesn`t like to be trapped by boobies????
Surveys say 1 out of every 2 people suck at math. It`s terrible that 80% of the population can`t even do the easiest calculations.
Me on New Years Eve: “I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”
Designated Driver is just a nicer way of saying, you can come with us, but nobody wants to deal with your drunk a$$.
Karma may "work" but I think that bitch takes a lot of days off
Half a dozen: because “six” is way to long.
i just opened a fortune cookie and it started with the word unfortuneatly