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Your life must really suck when no one even likes the catfish version of you.
Some days your the bug; some days your the windshield.
Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
"I really should buckle down and get my rap album going"-Me, every time I drink
I often worry about the safety of my children ... Especially the one who is talking back right now.
"You`re better than that" is almost never true
Yeah, I was dropped as a baby. Into a pool of sheer awesome.
I inject vodka right into the orange. Screwdriver-to-go
The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you´re on.
Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Why isn`t cat food made from birds, mice and squirrels??
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I know where you can buy drugs"
Bored? Simply send a text to a random number saying "I`m pregnant"
I`m tired of making the same mistakes over and over again. Does anyone have any new mistakes I can borrow?