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Your clothes are making me uncomfortable, please take them off.
Patient: "The problem is that obesity runs in my family." Doctor: "No, the problem is no one runs in your family."
When your life flashes before your eyes does that include the black outs? That`d be cool. Like your life but with never before seen footage.
I said "Candyman" 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Just realized that 90% of Disney cartoons involve lying about your identity to get someone to love you.
The only thing worse than "the one that got away" is the one that won`t go away.
Glad McDonald`s don`t serve hotdogs, I don`t think I could order a McWeiner with a straight face.
Bad things happen to good people, so I`m pretty sure we`re all safe
Love your neighbor, but don`t get caught...
I`m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I`ll never ever use one again. I`m so excited about it. Yes.
Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.
"Iyam A. Wii Todd" <-- Bet you can say that name out loud, in a crowded place, and really fast!
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches.
I could scroll down my Facebook page and write a country song!!
Not sure if I logged into Facebook or the Cartoon Network.