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In my most recent survey,,, four out of five women talked crap about the fifth one whenever she was out of earshot.
When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
You would never know I had a college degree if you saw how many times I tried to push when it says pull.
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks I should skip work tomorrow.
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
Most kids today wont understand the joy of playing with the telephone cord.
I got the girl to hysterically laugh today just by asking her out for a date.
I bought a huge plastic Christmas tree today! the shop assistant asked me if I was going to put it up myself? I told him "Don`t be stupid, i`m gonna put it in the lounge room"
this is a status you spent your time reading: sj
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it`s up to you.
To calculate the average number of times a guy has sex per week, multiply the number of fantasy football leagues he`s in by the number zero.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
It`s amazing what you can accomplish when you do stuff.
It`s kind of creepy that you noticed me staring at you.