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I`ve spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"
Are you bored? Head over to Walmart, go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, and then yell very loudly, `Hey! There`s no toilet paper in here.`
I think about hiring a maid way too often for someone who has plenty of time to clean.
"what doesnt kill u makes u smaller" -mario Lol
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
If everybody was consistently as determined as they are when they carry all groceries in one trip, this world would be in a better place.
Being normal is boring.
"Omg. Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"... "Sir those are mirrors, and we`re gonna have to ask you to leave."
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
The trouble with jogging is, that by the time you realize you`re not in shape, it`s too far to walk back.
I procrastinate so much I’ll probably put off death and never die.
I’m going to be very busy in the afterlife. the list of people I’m going to haunt grows everyday.
I`m at the point in my life where "friend with benefits" just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.