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My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
It`s Friday! High-five some sh!t!
If I text with “Almost there!” I haven’t left yet.
Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.
I fail to understand the ‘good’ part of ‘good morning’
Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn`t cute.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!
You are by far my smartest and best looking friend on Facebook.
My clothes are 75% off and this is not a sale.
snooze button, becuase all I need after 8 hours of sleep, is a nap
If the people in horror movies would just listen to me, they would still be alive!
I don’t care what women say, size matters in bed. The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.
You don`t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, and you take all the covers with you.
Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it`s lettuce.