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Sorry I said "You`ll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
Siri, destroy the vehicle in front of me.
A cop just pulled me over -- asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, `Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car`
I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!
I don’t even know what I don’t know.
I hate those new parents who do the `baby talking`, yes I do, yes I do...
If your friends can accurately guess your age, you need to find dumber friends.
The skeletons in your closet are suggesting that you upgrade to a double wide, walk-in.
Mondays feel like biting into a chocolate chip cookie only to find out it`s oatmeal raisin.
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.
Some people pass through our lives just to teach us not to be like them.
If I had spoken to my parents the way some children do now, I would not be here to share this status.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger ... at least one of them anyway.
My boss yelled at me yesterday "It`s the fifth time you`ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!" I said, "Probably that it`s Friday?"…