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No matter how many lasagna’s you stack on top of each other, ultimately it’s always just one lasagna
The worst part about looking for a job is if you`re successful, you end up with a job.
Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
Remember when the world ended last year?
When a movie says "Based on a true story." it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
This "doing nothing" is hard work, how am I supposed to know when I`m done?
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast.
My favorite beer is an open one.
The guy who used to proofread Hitler`s speeches was the first grammar Nazi.
Im at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to sh!t faster because it`s cold.
My favorite thing around the holidays is being put into a group message with 200 people reply "Who`s This"
I lost 3 pounds over the weekend, but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut
I`ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.
Hey you! Yea you ... Don`t just pass by my status and not say hi.