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Happy President`s day all. Heading out to buy a new mattress.
I hate to admit it, but I’ve got a serious drinking problem. I don’t have any more money to buy liquor.
" I don`t watch much tv" proudly says a person who spend 8 hours a day on the internet.
Who`s up for some curling in my driveway?
Why do they call a grapefruit a grapefruit? I mean there is already a fruit called a grape!!
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don`t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not an egg timer?
Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja
I`m celebrating 1 year of sobriety today ... I think it was 1989 ... Cheers!
However lonely you feel, you`re never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
Only toilet paper deals with more a$$holes than I do.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces.
Tried to plug my charger in the wrong hole. Siri was like STOP " I don`t do that ".
Not many people can say their Batman wallet matches their underwear like I can.
I`m so fresh they call me "ferbreeze"