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Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
Men like football because the priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man’s life…. Scoring and Ball Security.
Well today I turned 26, not because I wanted to, but only because Facebook limits how many times you can actually change your birth year !
People who don`t know what they want should not use the drive thru!
first show me the benefits and then I`ll decide if we can be friends.
I just wanted you all to know that I’m leaving Facebook. This ride has been a blast and I’ve made a ton of friends who I really do consider friends in the truest sense. Your humor and wit is amazing. I’ll miss all of you, but I’ve decided I need to spend more time with my family. So... see you after breakfast
I have a coffee table in my house. It`s decaffeinated but you would never know it by looking at it.
Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It`s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
is deep in thought . . . if only i could remember what i was thinking about
7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse
I`m opening a bar called The Office. You`re welcome guys. "Be home soon sweetie, I`m at The Office"
Man: "You look nice today..." Woman: "Was I ugly yesterday?"
Our neighbor said he wouldn`t mind me stealing their newspaper if I would at least put a robe on first.
I`ll CUT you...!!!!!!!!...... A slice of pizza, cause I`m a sharer:)
Always carry a knife. You never know when cake might happen.