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I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer.
20 years from now, one of the hardest things our kids will be faced with is finding a screen name which is not already taken!
Stall Cleaning service, Satisfaction guaranteed or 100% or you manure back!
You can’t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.
I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine.
I would watch NASCAR if it was more like Mario Kart.
Does a transformer get car insurance or life insurance?
Relationship status: Runs alone at night in hopes of being abducted.
I have a stalker. Everywhere I go, she`s always there, 10 paces ahead of me...
Dear Diary, men think about sex every 7 seconds. I do that with pizza.
I broke my finger today. But on the other hand I`m fine.
Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it’s only Tuesday.
I really think there should be a separate driving lane for those of us running solely on caffeine and rage.
Here’s your social security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it. Good luck! -The Government
CONGRATULATIONS! You are the 13th woman he`s called "beautiful" on Facebook today.