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Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Pretending to tolerate other people is exhausting.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your house. Those bastads live forever.
I love a room with a fire place it sets the tone for a romantic night, drinking wine slow dancing, burning evidence.
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one.
Hold boobs not grudges.
I should win an Oscar for acting like I`m busy at work.
I’m sorry I offended you with my common sense.
I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes, “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
Lawns: You cut them, then water them so they grow just so you can cut them again. This does not make sense.
OMG this is Freaky! Have 8 beers & 3 shots, go to your phone the next day, press ‘Recently Dialed’ & the name of your crush will appear!
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
Sign in a grocery store: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you?