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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
It`s 2014, people. Isn`t it about time we put an end to all this `wake up in the morning and go to work` nonsense?
If a bra is called an `Over the shoulder bolder holder,` then would you call men`s underwear `Under the butt nut hut?`
If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.
People who make really bad decisions are always like "I have the worst luck"
The worst thing about finding out Santa isn`t real is that you realise it was your parents who were to blame for all the terrible presents
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, can you put it back in and let go? I`m going to need a quick answer for this....
My body is made up of 90% water, 5% pizza and 5% wine.
2011: Come at me bro! 1800`s: Advance towards me brethren!
Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn`t want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.
Don`t let anyone tell you what you can`t accomplish. That`s what self-doubt is for.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.
If ghosts existed, why are they all apparently from the last 100 years or so? Wouldn’t there be evidence of a Neanderthal ghost here and there?
I bet if you asked a one-eyed person, they`d tell you it really WAS all fun and games up until that point.