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Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.
Last night I saw a documentary about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.
Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it
When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
I think pet shops should give a free laser pointer with every Cat purchase.
One of the greatest things about owning a dog is how happy they are to see you even though you just stepped out of the house for 30 seconds.
I am one of those people who presses every button in the elevator when I`m getting out =]
Heads up, peeps. There are over 700 fake Obamacare sites ready to swipe your info. Pro tip: The real site is the one that doesn`t work...
My only argument with using the treadmill, is that I can`t run away from my farts.
decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
Glad McDonald`s don`t serve hotdogs, I don`t think I could order a McWeiner with a straight face.
Bananas are the strippers of the fruit world.
I don’t just act crazy, I’ll drive you there too.