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A good husband is like a bra. He should be supportive and help support your burdens, but mostly he`s just there to touch your boobs.
I don`t care about your status...
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they`d never get caught.
Christmas came early this year! My neighbor just upgraded our internet speed... I mean his internet speed. Or whatever...
Be friend with stupid people.., feel like genius all the time
Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better
When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
Slow dancing with a fat girl? More like moving a fridge by yourself.
That message felt like a great idea until I hit send.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
Dimples are considered a facial muscledeformity in the medical world.
As you get closer and closer to the end of this status, I think it`s important that you lower your expectations.
I finally saw Kung Fu Panda. I`m certainly not an expert, but I thought the nunchuck scene looked kind of fake.
My room isn`t messy. I just prefer to have my favorite items on display.
Just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellant. Now, he’ll never have any friends.