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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday.
My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone I will look at them shocked and just quietly whisper.... "You can see me?"
Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”
Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary.
You seem like a sweat person. Mind if I lick you to find out?
I’m amazing in bed. I have the ability to stay there all day.
Why the hell do we still use snow shovels when flame throwers are available?
Is it so much to ask that everyone who ever wronged me be forced to leave the country and change their identity?
My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell `em: "You`re gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!
It`s kind of weird that beams of electricity strike down from the sky and we`re all just okay with it.
when god was giving out brains....you must have miss heard for trains..and missed your bugger
My ex has had a really hard time moving on. From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.