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There’s a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email!
You`re only limited by your own imagination! And money. And talent. And genetics. And time. And other people. Go for it!
They say the camera adds 10lbs. Stop eating cameras!
April 1st is the absolute worst day to have a heart attack.
Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and porn collection.
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn`t."
Everyone is gifted......But not everyone opens their present
Describe myself in three words ... 1. Lazy
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
You know it`s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
This could be the best day ever… but it isn’t. Again.
I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.
Dear Lord, Thanks for making me funny. Especially since you didn`t give me much else to work with.
Whoever said "money doesn`t grow on trees" has obviously never sold weed.