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If I’ve offended you, please accept my apology. Then smack yourself in the face for getting offended by something on the Internet.
A bee will knowingly risk its own life just to cause you a little pain. I can totally relate to that feeling.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I wish I had a dollar for every dollar I don`t have.
It`s a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.
The next time you feel you’re worthless…. just remember…. your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
People who don’t like pizza are people you don’t need in your life.
My moral in life is simple. You treat me good and I`ll treat you better.
Sometimes you have to flip out and go bat sh!t crazy to make a point.
When I die, I am going to haunt the f*ck out of you people.
My participation in this meeting will be based solely on the snacks they provide.
My therapist recommended I quit growling at people...
Depression is wanting to lay down and realizing that you are already laying down.
People are obsessed with this storm but in a couple months no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.
Nobody expects you to post brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.