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Me, watching the Olympics: "That was impressive." Announcer: "ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!"
Sometimes, numbers are the only thing you can truely count on.
If a man speaks at sea where no women can hear, is he still wrong?
Dieting is for the birds. Which is why you hardly ever see a fat bird.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
I won the Twister contest hands-down.
Truth is, it’s not a “long story”… I’m just too damn lazy to explain it.
A fun thing to do when leaving the Zoo, is too start frantically running and yelling "OMG they`ve all escaped!"
Do people with cats not know about dogs?
I was bitten by a mosquito last night. Bet that little bastard is pretty hung-over today
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you`re doing it.
Doing something weird and thinking “this is why I’m single”.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow.
I wonder if Brazil has a wax museum?