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Never trust a skinny chef
Don`t hate me because I think I`m beautiful.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son`s love, I sometimes think to myself, "This may be the worst prize ever."
That son of a b*tch moment when you`re walking around the house with socks on and step on a random wet spot.
Woke up with my credit card lying on my keyboard. I can`t wait to see what drunk me bought sober me.
Dear New Years Resolutions People; You don`t have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.
I could be a morning person if morning happened after 11.
Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..
My girlfriend JUST spent the ENTIRE day arguing that she isn`t stubborn.. :|
Leaving your window open for an hour and the cast from f*cking Bugs Life decided to start producing their second movie.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Facebook should just change it`s name to "People You May Want to Avoid."
Do not put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.
is clapping his hands and stomping his feet because he is happy and he knows it.
I just wanna be the reason your doctor puts you on a new medication.