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I propose we change the names of the upper case P and lower case p to "P standing up" and "p sitting down."
People always get offended when you call their baby ugly, but they never understand that they`ve offended you by showing you an ugly baby.
Tomorrow the world shall be ours! Until then, good night my evil minions!!
I think the tie was invented by someone who wanted to express how he felt about work but thought an actual noose was too obvious.
You bring everyone a lot of joy ... when you leave the room.
I’m going to start telling girls that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
Women are angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we continue to fly…on a broomstick. We’re flexible that way.
Dudes get one chest or arm tattoo and suddenly forget to wear shirts.
If I knew how to backflip, I`d never walk anywhere.
If you don`t remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
"Don`t cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse."
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..
A friend suggested I see a therapist but the truth is, I like being f*cked up.