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Ever gotten that awkward feeling? ..like the one when you realize you`re chewing on a BORROWED pencil?
I`m not saying not to trust the Internet, but there is an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I`ve won and the number of iPads I own.
Don`t tell me I look tired unless you`re offering to carry me
This pill bottle says `Take with plenty of fluids` and `Don`t take with alcohol`. That doesn`t even make sense
Today is National I Don`t Feel Like Doing Sh!t Day. Celebrate accordingly.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work. I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Saying "cool" also means, I don`t give a sh!t.
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like "tiny doll feet scampering into the closet" because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that.
Jogging with a stroller is great exercise! And hard work for whoever is pushing me.
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
Sometimes when Iām feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.