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I`m kind of clueless about pop culture. I thought "Hogwarts" was an STD
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it`s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach`s.
My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
Home is where the pants aren`t.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Is it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?
My wife said I can definitely have a man cave, if that`s what I want to start calling the hall closet.
Bumper stickers are helpful for recognizing members of society you do not want to associate with.
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
May your Labor Day contain no Labor!
I’ve realized I get ridiculously nervous driving behind semi’s or trucks carrying sh!t that could fall out and impale me all because of final destination 2.
FYI: You can buy wedding cake even if there`s no wedding, those suckers don`t even check
I never cry over spilt milk. But, beer? That sh!t`s totally different.
Odd Fact: The names of characters in Inception are: Dom, Robert, Eames, Arthur, Mal and Saito. Note the first letters = DREAMS.