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I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
If you don`t know where you are going, any road will get you there.
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become..
My new home security sign : "EBOLA QUARANTINE" - Deters salesman, thieves, and neighbors.
If you live by the sword, I guess that is pretty cool. I live by some trees and shit.
Went for a mile run today. Stupid Ice Cream Man just kept driving even though I was waving my money in the air!
Ebay is really getting worse and worse to use. Yesterday I searched for a cigarette lighter. I got 3,974, 601 matches...
....so then I said, "What gives YOU the right to judge ME?" And then he gets all, "Order in the court!" and starts pounding his gavel down...
Be nice to nerds. You`ll probably be working for them one day
I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I`m not an actor.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent ... I would have to say it’s the kids.
A murderer was about to be put to death in the electric chair. "Do you have any last requests?" asked the chaplain. "One," he replied. "Will you hold my hand?"
What idiot called it the "Happy Birthday" song instead of New Age music
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.