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I don`t need glasses ... I drink straight from the bottle.
Looks like Waldo got on the malasian plane.. well played waldo.. well played..
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m slightly inconvenienced and hungry.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I`ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Ah man... i don`t have any notifications... better go check another computer
I swear my bed just whispered "Please Don`t go."
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.
If I could bring one dead person back to life I`d bring back Walk Disney. Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction..
Just saw the first duckface of Spring.
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
You never know how little self control you have until they put chips and salsa in front of you at a Mexican restaurant.
The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.
What if your soulmate is over there on Twitter while you`re here on Facebook?
How about this for lazy: I`m letting the NSA take all my selfies for me.