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sometimes when i`m lonely i`ll fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend that i`m a meatball
Your duty as a friend is to LIKE my Facebook posts even if they suck.
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
I Googled, “Who gives a sh!t?” and I was not in the search results.
Question: : What do you get if you add human DNA to a goat? ... Answer: Kicked out of the petting zoo
If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably exhausting to be around.
Use Angie`s List if you want a plumber to come over. Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I`ve decided to add more positivity in my life. So, now when I say someone`s an a@#hole, I qualify it with......... but he`s really good at it...........and I`m positive about that!
“We don`t lick people!” - Lies adults tell kids
You ever read a status, and you`re like, `what a f*ck up` and then you realize you`re on your own page?
If you see a girl or guy post pictures of their cat you know they`re single.
"That looks interesting. I think I`ll eat it." - Sharks and Toddlers
How many servings of fruit are in a fruit roll up? I`m trying to take my diet seriously now.
Another year has passed. I`ve just about given up on the Mayans.
Something about summertime brings out the beer guzzling Homer Simpson in me.