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If suppositories were just a bit smaller, they would be a whole lot easier to swallow...........................
I always stop to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porno starts off!
I`m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don`t want to hang out with you now but I`m still proud...
DAMN! I`m so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.
Recipes sound good until you realize that you don`t have $846 worth of spices in your house.
I need a new refrigerator ... There`s no food in mine.
Chocolate comes from Cocoa, which is a tree. That makes cocoa a plant….chocolate is a salad.
I`m not judging you, I`m just trying to guess what medications you`re on.
I’m amazing in bed. I have the ability to stay there all day.
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
I hope Breaking Bad ends with Jesse waking up from a dream in the middle of Mr. White`s chemistry class.
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
My flock of sheep were stolen from my farm last month. I`ve not been able to sleep since.
I think that some of the people I see in Wal Mart shouldn`t be allowed to leave Wal Mart.