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My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
Never , under any circumstances , take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. O_o
As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
I`m not the type of person you should put on speaker phone
According to this bathroom stall,,, my ex changed her number again.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
I`ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman. Woken up to a whole bunch of them though.
Someday, the time I waste deciding what to watch on Netflix will be shorter than the actual time watching it
An egg salad is really just a chicken salad that is really underdone.
Please don`t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I`m awesome doesn`t mean I like you.
You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.
We`ll be friends `til we`re old and senile ... Then we`ll be new friends.
I`ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can`t find his nuggets.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches.
I thought there was a spider on the rug but it was just yarn.....it`s dead yarn now, though.