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I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.
Remember the good old days when making the “duck face” involved 2 Pringles?
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on the internet right now.
the WORLDS shortest joke..... "2 women were sitting together quietly
I`m at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn`t have to get up to pee.
Let`s face it. Seeing a camel toe in leopard print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on an African safari.
Last night I was drunk and asked a cat if it could talk. It said, “Me? How?”
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories.
I`m at the facebook saloon, drinking all night long
It’s amazing how everyone cries for free speech until someone says something that they don’t like.
I`m really sick of responsibility ... and underwear
Note to self: you never read these notes so stop writing them.
Me: Mom...Dad. I`ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
Multitasking (verb) - Screwing up several things at once.