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When I was little we didn`t have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.
My roommate is on a date and said he`s convinced she`s coming home with him tonight. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.
I always say "morning" instead of "good morning". If it were a good morning I`d still be in bed instead of talking to people.
Dating someone based only on looks is so shallow. Consider other things, like, do they have a lot of money.
In case of fire, do not use the elevator. Use water...
I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
Hey bartender, pour me another, I see ugly people.
I`m great in bed" ~ breakfast
If the Dollar Store ever starts selling alcohol....drinks are on me.
Flight 370, proven harder to find then the G spot :-/
A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
Life`s short ... Drink fast
ATM`s need to have breathalyzers.
"You`re going to love my friend. He`s hilarious." is still the best way to know you`re about to meet an annoying person.