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Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That sh!t hurt.
Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn`t appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.
Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
Holidays, hotels and women. Three things that always look better online than in real life.
Sea levels aren’t rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…
Flu (noun) - The only time when having used tissues laying next to your bed is socially acceptable.
I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.
“Be yourself” is the worst advice you can give to some people.
Talk to your kids about drugs. Maybe they have better connections than you.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Okay, enough procrastination. Time for excuses.
You know it`s a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
FANNNN...DANNNNN....GOOOOO. Breathe The A`s.
On the plus side of 2017, the use of the words `awesomesauce` and `amazeballs` were at an all time low.
Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.