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My New Years resolutions are just a list of mixed drinks I haven`t tried yet.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
I`m pretty sure my Internet Explorer “error reports” end up the same place my letters to Santa do.
Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
You know how people dread going to the dentist? I feel that way about getting out of bed.
You`ve really got to hand it to short people, because sometimes they often can`t reach it.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that`s over with.
If I were the guy who made the Where’s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn’t there.
All I ask is that if we arm the teachers, that the librarians get silencers.
When I`m older, I`m going to buy one of those Volkswagen Bugs. Only because I have a excuse to hit my wife every time we go somewhere.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
I was called a sexist today ... I said, I think you`re mistaken ...its pronounced sexy
Good Morning: You, my friends are the reason I wake up every morning ? LOL JK, I have to pee.
Don`t call me names, you don`t know enough words to describe me
I`m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.