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I got some new underwear. Well, new to me...
What if pay-phones are disappearing so they can keep us in the matrix?
Don`t blame me. You`re the one following a 41 year old man who just jumped into his bed like an Olympic athlete because scary monsters.
What if every time a song pops into your head, it’s really just your brain intercepting one of the bajillion radio signals bouncing around you?
Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
The trick is to not let people know how weird you really are until its too late for em to back out
I was a huge tomboy. Like, I had barbies, but only because my ninja turtles needed bitches.
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
Can you do me a favour? Stand in front of my car, I need to test my brakes.
For the record, giving someone the creeps for Christmas is technically not a gift.
Life Insurance: Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money?
I wish people would stop judging me before they find out how much of an a$$hole I actually am.
Of course I like you, I gave you that roofie didn`t I?
Today somebody called me a model! Well they said "poster boy for birth control", but I knew what they meant.
People who say they suffer from constipation are usually full of sh!t.