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I`m at my most judgmental when standing behind someone in a buffet line.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,...Why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?
Next time you are sad remember you can make a cheeseburger with donuts as the bun. Still sad? Add Sprinkles
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
Is "blowjob" one word or two words? God I hate writing thank you cards. -Bfanch
If kindness really kills, you`ll always be completely safe around me.
No one is as ugly as their driver`s license, and nobody is attractive as their profile picture.
The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
If Facebook isn’t a drug then someone please explain to me why I sneak into the bathroom at work to use it.
The way my dog acts, you`d think his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Miley Cyrus is not unique. I have been having full body spasms and licking random objects for decades.
What do you mean being awesome for another year isn`t a resolution?
The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn`t leave him alone with the Maid"
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.