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If my statuses had a smell.. they would smell funny
Next time you take your dog for a walk pretend he`s solving a mystery.
Therapy helps ... but screaming obscenities is faster and cheaper!
If weed is ever legalized, I can`t wait to see the commercials...
I just found out that a bucket of KFC when you`re finished with it, also doubles as a porta-potty...
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.
This company doesn`t know how much of an asset I am.. Or an ass-sit. They really should pay more attention.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for most of you.
More celebrities should donate blood. I mean, imagine having the blood of Will Smith running through your veins.
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn`t already know that.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it`s just one beer.
Drinking Game: Tape a fake mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.
I ordered a new GPS unit, but it got lost in the mail.
There were 2 muffins in a muffin shop the first 1 says "I love being a muffin!" then the 2 muffin says ``Holy crap its a talking muffin!"
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart or at Taco Bell.