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If you try and don´t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
Here`s an idea...You go away and I`ll stop ignoring you.
Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"
Karate is just a violent way of making people smell your feet.
I scream, You scream, We all scream, Because grandpa forgot his hearing aids again.
I didn`t text you. Vodka texted you.
If you don’t cuss when you drive you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
I`m so hot I stalk myself ;)
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone’s ok with that.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I`ll never know.
I`m too lazy to ever write a biography. Story of my life.
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn`t matter. It`s all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
I like to gaze up at the stars at night and think about how somewhere there is intelligent life that hates doing laundry as much as I do.
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
Don`t worry, kids. Being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.