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I took a sexual harassment course yesterday...I think I`m going to be pretty good at it.
Redneck word of the day: Twerk "Imma have one more beer then imma get back twerk!"
You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
I am actually impressed by what Lance Armstrong has done. When I was on drugs, I couldn`t even find my bike!
The reason good men are hard to find is because they`re usually too busy working.
Imagine, for a moment, what you could accomplish if you had the persistence and drive of the Adobe Acrobat Reader updater.
Technology is outpacing my ability to come up with convincing lies that I didn`t get your message.
GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask, " Notice anything different?`... works EVERY time
Eating Popcorn: 90% during the trailers. 10% during the movie.
Me, a morning person? Pfft. Most days I`m not even an afternoon person.
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them.
It should be a rule that if you dress up like a red hair clown , you get a free happy meal at McDonalds .....I`ll pay this time , but I`m not happy ... !!
Describe yourself in 3 words". "Not good at following instructions"