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Why hasn`t anyone invented a button next to the snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
“Have you tried just drinking ALOT of vodka?”- me as a therapist
Always have a goal... Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
Urgh..I just dropped my phone, are you guys alright?
You know nothing about a woman, until she is drunk and mad at you.
when i have children im going to make them watch 2012 and tell them i survived all of that.
If weed is ever legalized, I can`t wait to see the commercials...
I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it’s cold like why you gotta play me like that.
“I” before “E” especially after “P”. Mmmm pie
You`re the reason why I believe in condoms.
How many people actually tell everyone that you said Hi.
If your girlfriend says she`s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall...You might be dating my wife.
If at first you don`t succeed, find out where she lives.
When my dog sniffs another dog’s poop I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page.
When someone tells you they`re playing a STD game... But you later realise they were talking about Spot The Difference.