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I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
We could learn a lot from our dogs.... If you can`t eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away
I still believe in love. But I also believe in sasquatch, nessy, and that I could win the lottery. So there`s that....
Never let your printer know you`re in a rush, those bastards smell fear
We are the only ones who can control our own happiness, but sometimes it feels like someone else is holding the remote.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you`ll have good luck. Or some kind of virus because pennies are dirty and gross.
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can`t change a tire for sh*t.
Just realized I have more in common with Garfield than I have with most people
There is no peer pressure like washing your hands because someone else walked into the bathroom.
In Starbucks a customer went sh*t house rat crazy when they got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot they ordered ... I`m fine now.
According to the police, public masturbation is not considered a "street performance". Even if you have a hat on the ground on front of you.
Sometimes I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids
I was thinking about jumping on the Patriot`s Fan bandwagon, but I am afraid that the tires would be deflated...
It`s acceptable for someone to eat cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner as long as they still go to the gym, right? I`m asking for a friend...