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My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.
I can`t stand people who blame everyone else for their problems....I`d be successful and happy by now if it wasn`t for them!!!!
I`ve taken my kids all over the country, but their favorite place to be is still "in the way."
You know what’s huge in Japan? ..Sumo wrestlers. ;)
I couldn’t believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn’t actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school…
I don’t care if we don’t talk, your existence still pisses me off.
If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.
I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.
I`m not saying you`re stupid; you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.
Hitting the lotto is a sure way to stop hating on Mondays...
Bands who can`t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I`m so confused
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Due to political correctness issues, "Krazy Glue" will now be known as "Mental Disorder Glue."