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The best thing about the internet is how quickly you can offend the maximum amount of people with minimum effort
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside.
Being a camera must be pretty cool. You get to sleep until there`s something cool to see.
According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
I’m no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to f*ck off today, you’ll feel better.
Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they can`t laugh either.
Pillow forts have no age limit when you’re awesome.
Buying an airline ticket is like paying shipping and handling for yourself.
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life.... Based on the math, I should have died in 1732.
I`m so old, I remember when the internet didn`t have commercials.
I just realized that Mr. Rogers had the first man-cave.
Can I just drop it like it’s luke warm? It’s been a long day and I’m tired.
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it`s negative.
A friend suggested I see a therapist but the truth is, I like being f*cked up.
Finding a needle in a haystack is quite easy if you just set the hay on fire.