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Ended a relationship today. Don`t worry, it wasn`t mine.
Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Dude, I can`t post AND know when the light turns green. I`m pretty, not magical.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean & people think I’m joking.
There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.
Good news I passed my drug test today. But now my drug dealer has some explaining to do.
Everything is legal when the cops aren`t around.
Keep reaching for the stars but please get a better deodorant.
I`ve come to the point where I don`t even procrastinate anymore ... I just don`t do it.
Greeting all the Single People a very Happy Independence Day!!
Thinks that some of you make impulsive, poor thought out decisions. We should totally hang out more!!!
Pay phones should be replaced with chargers for cell phones.
If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I loved them at 2AM?