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Sometimes I`m completely inconsiderate to other peoples feelings. And other times I`m asleep.
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I am totally fleible.
Save your little napkin, bartender. I don’t plan on having this drink long enough to set it down.
If it wasn’t for caffeine I wouldn’t be a functioning member of society.
If I’ve learned anything in my twenty-two years on this earth, it’s that it’s okay to lie about your age.
Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.
They say that you are what we eat. This means that I am cheap, easy and ready in 2 minutes!
That disappointing moment when you pull up to work and it`s not fully engulfed in fire.
Stalin should have known communism doesn`t work. There were red flags everywhere.
My clothes are 75% off and this is not a sale.
I got caught peeing in the swimming pool today... The lifeguard shouted so loud I almost fell in.
The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.
The good thing about listening to a new song is that it doesn’t remind you of anyone.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
I`m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.