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The toughest part of a job interview is finding the exact right moment to go in for the kiss.
Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.
I wonder how long I can keep "eating for two" before people notice I`m not actually pregnant.
Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it.
Did you know that if you put a finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Pacman.
Its never polite to ask the guy at the next table "are you done with that?" Especially when he`s breaking up with his girlfriend.
I hate how homeless people shake their coin cups at me. I get it. No need to gloat that they have more money than me.
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it?
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their sh!t together.
Never ask a Leper to "give you a hand", seriously, don`t........................
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked ... So did all the other people at the post office.
Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don`t let the balloon touch the floor"
Dear single guys; open a pet shop selling cats. Let the single ladies come to you.