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Life was much simpler when we could play a friendly game of Red Rover and just clothesline the people we didn’t like.
I bet Waldo’s parents are worried sick.
I tend to say “I don’t know” when I’m too lazy to think.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
That weird feeling when you wake up from a nap & you don`t whether it`s am or pm or what day, month, or year it is.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that`s your business.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn`t really think your choice was excellent.
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
WikiHow suggested 9 Ways to Celebrate Earth Day.... I did all by ?#? SLEEPING?the whole day! How???? I smoked less, used water/power less etc. Wikiwikiwiki!!!!!
More people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
I bet people who like their own statuses wink at themselves in the mirror too.
If you don`t do stupid sh!t while you`re young, you`ll have nothing to talk about later in life while sitting at the bar.
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"
I like to walk by a chick in slow motion so she thinks i`m the one