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Who needs dance lessons when you`ve got alcohol?!
I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
I typed bitch into my GPS and guess what? I`m in your drive way. Vroom, vroom mother f*%ker.
I’m like a kid in a candy store. I can’t afford anything.
It`s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
I just scrolled so far back on Facebook`s Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace. :(
When I think of you I touch myself ... On my temples ... You give me a migraine.
I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I`m optimistic that within my lifetime it will become acceptable to wear your underwear to the supermarket.
Spoiler alert: Your `97 Nissan Sentra doesn`t need one.
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain`t good.
10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.
Mirror mirror on the wall, I am sexy; screw you all.