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If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.
¦It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
Change is hard. Seriously, have you ever bit a nickel?
Scream “Chrome is better than Firefox” around a group of geeks if you wanna see them argue for 2 hours.
I don`t understand why people have to "get ready" for bed....I`m always ready for bed.
Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
Don`t talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.
6 inch - about right, 7 inch - cant complain, 8 inch - f*cking perfect, 9 inch - a bit much, 10 inch - its hurting my insides, 11 inch - I cant take it anymore, 12 inch - I`m absolutely f*cking destroyed ... Aren`t pizza`s just awesome.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...
You laugh because you think it’s a joke. I laugh because you think I’m joking.
"Bros before hoes" is something a bro without a hoe would say.
Even if you don`t pay, they`ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they’re just thinking for the first time.
You don’t have to be drunk to love me, but it helps
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.