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You say `pervert with a telescope` ... I say `biological astronomer`.
Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a row boat ... and taking the tartar sauce with you.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrhea!
I was going to write something profound and memorable here, but I can`t remember what it was.
Starting tomorrow, whatever life throws at me, I`m ducking so it hits someone else!
Just because leggings stretch dont mean yo 465 pound a$$ should be in them!
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Legos are practice for when you get older & buy Ikea furniture
I think people who challenge me at Words With Friends are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.
Non alcoholic beer is like porn movie on a radio
Inventor of camping: "Hey, let`s go pretend to be homeless."
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
Next time you`re down in the dumps...pick me up a spare tire!
What do horses eat? Hay. What do gay horses eat? Haaaayyyy!