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The best thing about not being with you, is not being with you.
What happens on online stays online, forever and ever.
Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
It’s 2013, why does good food still have calories.
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
I don’t really forgive people I just pretend like it`s okay and wait for my opportunity to destroy them.
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in
What Flickering Lights Mean: 1% Electrical problems 99% demons and sh!t.
I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.
If I ever put stuff in storage I`m going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.
I ordered a pizza when my wife went into labor. Thad ad said, "buy a pizza, and get free delivery.
Don’t break anyone’s heart; they only have one. Break they’re bones. They have over 200 of them.
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?