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Kill them with kindness ..and then fart as you walk away
People reckon I´m too patronizing (that means I treat them as if they´re stupid).
If you play my day at work backwards, its about an idiot getting less and less annoying
Just remember, If we get caught you`re deaf and I don`t speak English.
"My name is Robert and I support apples." -- Bob for apples
I’m not saying don’t trust the internet but there’s an alarming discrepancy between the number of ipads I’ve won & the number of ipads I own.
All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or married.
I`m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to sh!t indoors.
Today is "find your active cavity at 50% off" day at your local store.
It`s my birthday. I’m not just a year older, I’m also a year better and prettier ... I know your jealous ;)
CONGRATULATIONS! You are the 13th woman he`s called "beautiful" on Facebook today.
I wish the minutes after hitting the snooze button lasted as long as microwave minutes.
I don`t care if you wear footie pj`s or sleep with a Snuggie. If you swish Listerine in your mouth for the full 30 seconds, you are BADA$$.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I`ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.