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I`m a beer enthusiast. The more beer I drink, the more enthusiastic I become.
Can we just stop with the pre-sliced cheese? Is anyone so busy that they don’t have time to cut the cheese?
Don`t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
I wish they made bar-stools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the taser wrong.
I hate mosquitoes, I mean I know I’m delicious but damn.
Rejected Olympic Events: Javelin Catch... Jello Shotput... Border Fencing... Cardboard Boxing... Menstrual Cycling... Salad Tossing... Wrestling Demons...
Why does no one ever talk about where a bear pees?
Why hasn`t anyone written a sequal song to "Jessie`s Girl" ... Where he discovers what an incredible high maintenance drag she is?
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.
All these years and I still don`t understand why they didn`t put Kevin Bacon in Grease.