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No one is more confident than a drunk girl wearing a guy’s hat sideways.
There’s no excuse for my behavior, so I’m drinking until I have one.
Success sleeps with u in private. Failure insults u in public ! Aa
To the untrained eye, I`m quite handsome.
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
My level of sarcasm has reached a dangerous level where even I don`t know if I`m kidding or not.
I don`t know if my stomach is growling cuz I`m hungry or if that`s my liver crying cuz it`s the weekend.
People would probably piss me off a lot less if I was allowed to drive a tank.
I lost my mood ring today. Not sure how to feel about it
You can either be right, or you can be the husband.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Honestly, I have no idea what I would even do with 5 hours of energy.
I`ve never heard an alarm going off on a car worth stealing.
Going to make pizza for dinner!! Ingredients Required: Phone, Menu & Credit Card.. Ohhh I can smell it cooking already!! ;)
I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces at the pond today.