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I don`t like surprises so, I never open my Electric Bill or my Bank Statement.
It`s annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there`s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
I`m sick to death of these letters from the City of College Station bullying me to mow my grass! If Walmat can prepare for Christmas 3 mths in advance why can`t I do the same for Easter!!!??
I don`t have issues... I AM an issue
If there`s one thing in this world that everyone can agree on it`s... "Goonies never say die!"
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Flu (noun) - The only time when having used tissues laying next to your bed is socially acceptable.
Sarcasm is funnier when used on people who don`t understand it.
When you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
I have four missed calls from my mom. A rescure team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting on my couch in my underwear eating cheetos any minute now.
Ohio - High in the middle, and round at the ends.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we`d still be talking about how we`re not finding that airplane.
Smelling another person should be a choice.