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If it’s called tourist season, why can’t you shoot at them?
My life is like a romantic comedy expect there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes
Who cares about throwing stones? How do people in glass houses hide when somebody knocks on the door?
People all around the world are out doing interesting and productive things right now. You are reading this.
I really hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
Coaster? You`re assuming I plan to put my drink down...
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
I like to take, long, romantic walks, to the fridge. <3
Treasure the years with your children while they are still distracted by bubbles.
Not clicking like on this status makes your a$$ look fat.
Apparently, my wife has friend zoned me...
There is no vulnerable feeling like when you are about to sneeze ... with a mouthful of rice.
I`m returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I`m returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.
I think germs are so nice for waiting 5 seconds before attacking food that falls on the floor.
If a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ...I just get in the back seat