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Do you really know me or am I just an idea that you`ve built in your head?
I watched Americas Got Talent for 15 minutes and I beg to differ.
If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Walmart.
They say you`ve got to spend money to make money. Feel like there`s some middle step I`ve been missing?
I wish that some of my coworkers were not allowed in the break room because those are the people I need a break from.
Hibernation should be a human thing too.
Statement: "Do you really love me?" True Meaning: "Ive done something stupid and youre going to find out sooner or later."
Who is the genius that decided Little League uniforms be white? My guess is Tide laundry detergent.
My Kid: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What`s wrong with the one we live in? My Kid: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son.
I kinda like zombies...but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk? ... my apocolypse plans depend on it ... thanks!
You haven`t truly tested your patience yet until you get stuck behind an undecided person at a Redbox kiosk.
Burglars must love "My Family Stickers". They can wait in front of someone`s house, count the people that leave, and know if they have a dog or not...