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Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.
"Everybody freeze!" -December
I can’t wait until I get that job at Starbucks because I’m going to spell everyone’s name wrong so they can’t instagram their cups.
May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.
My favorite part of country music is the part where I change the station.
OK I`ve stumbled out of bed and made it to the computer- and another Facebook day begins!
I don`t drink these days. I`m allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.
I don`t use my cell phone in the car... I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.
I spend hours on Facebook and then think, “Well, that was pointless”
Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.
My package finally came today. this is awesome....it means I have bubble wrap to play with
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t
Only 3 more days until millions of people join the gym for a week.
Clearly if you have to blame yourself, you`re not hanging out with enough people.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.