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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
Money can`t buy you happiness, but it does give you the ability to rent it until you die.
I wish I could use Shazam to identify people when I cant remember their name.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn`t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Watching movies alone sucks. There´s no one to ask, "What did he just say? Who is that guy?"
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said, “That’s great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
Online personality tests are pretty self-explanatory… If you’re taking the test, chances are you don`t have one.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
I`m just saying a sarcasm font could go a loooong way!
The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest....
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
Found a note on my door today that said ”You’re Awesome!” ... Yes, I wrote it yesturday. But still, the truth is the truth.
If you play my workday backwards, it`s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.