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Receptionist: "The doctor will see you now." Invisible Man: "Finally, a cure!"
Job interview: Please tell us why you’d love to work for us? ME: I need money :)
Birthday sex is just like regular sex but you are dissapointed that more people didn`t come.
Apparently Home Depot`s slogan of "You can do it; We can help" doesn`t apply to masturbation.
My definition of" Armed and Dangerous" is: a pissed off wife with a bottle of wine, and the credit cards.
I`m on a pepperoni pizza cleanse.
There`s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during s@x.
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
Just a friendly reminder, there are a minimum of three spiders in your room at all times. Goodnight...
After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"
Guys, if she says she`s crazy, she`s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
I have a drinking problem. When I tilt my head back to take a drink, I can’t see my computer screen.
I hate when reality happens outside of my head.