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Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army
Sit-ups are my favorite form of exercise because I get to lay down every few seconds.
**TORNADO WARNING** Everyone head to Giants Stadium. Safest place to avoid a touch down.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I’m going to have.
Funny how things change with time, I used to hate spankings...
My friend on Facebook "Can`t believe its Monday again already"... if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
My life is the intersection between having too much caffeine and constantly yawning.
Apparently typos only become visible to the human eye after you hit send.
Apparently some strangers don’t need a hug.
After midnight, clowns aren`t funny.
My house is not messy. Those are just obstacles I`ve put in place for burglars.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart or at Taco Bell.
“Shit ton” is my favorite unit of measurement.
Laughter is the best medicine, but if you are laughing for no reason, you might need medicine.
Please be patient...I`m fcuking things up as fast as I can.