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Premature ejaculation and hide and seek have one thing in common. 1 2 3 ready or not here I come.
I accidentally wore green today. And I probably will be drunk later but NOT because it`s St. Patrick`s Day, because it`s Monday.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine`s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
In a weird twist,,, The longer I stay at home,,, The more homeless I look.
Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did New Years Eve and at the beginning add the word "stop."
Sorry I wasn’t ignoring you I was just watching 7 seasons and 54 episodes of this new show I found.
It`s hard to compliment a fake person without lying.
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
If a girl texts you and asks if you think she`s fat and you try to respond "Nooo" autocorrect changes it to "Moo" so that`s pretty cool.
You know it`s way past your bed time when the 1-800-dial-a-hoe commercials come on.
Who wants to do something we will regret in the morning? Anyone?
I just did some calculations and I`ve been able to determine that you`re full of sh!t.
Yeah... I may be old... But I`m still hot..... They just come in flashes now!
I`m sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.