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You never know a person until you walk in their shoes, or until you check their browser history.
If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.
Of course I’ll buy a polished rock made into a necklace. I’m on vacation, aren’t I?
The self-checkout line was a miracle for the condom industry.
I don`t hate you, but if you we`re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
I like my women like I like my motorcycles. Not ridden by all my friends.
If practice makes perfect, one day I will make the perfect mistake.
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
How do nudist clean their glasses?
Stop waiting for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make that sh!t perfect.
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
Thanks to Netflix I can tell my doctor I`ve done a lot of "marathons"
I wonder if birds look at planes and think "man, I`ve really got to hit the gym"
I suppose cougar is a better term than old whore.