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In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
I heard lots of bongo noises coming from my loft last night. It sounded very Drum Attic.
I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
Thinking of getting another kitchen table just for all my mail
Laugh now because when I die, I`m coming back to haunt you.
Drunk people are the only honest ones left.
make little things count. teach midgets math.
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
I`m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to sh!t indoors.
This fly in my car is going to be very disappointed when it ends up at Walmart.
If Iām not eating Iām most likely not happy.
If you cry loudly enough, your boss will usually let you go home.
I wish tanning beds could pop you out like a toaster when you`re finished.
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven does God hide behind the Pearly Gates and pretend he`s not home?
To be clever can be difficult without caffiene.