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Call me crazy, but I don`t think I really need to be in this mental institution.
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
The older I get .... The more dangerous it is to sneeze
someone told me I am immature and need to grow up ... so guess who is not allowed in my snow fort!!!
When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
since when was it cool to have an iPhone at the age of 10.. i sincerely hope those parents know what they`ve done.
Haters can hate all they want... they don`t affect my money.
is clapping his hands and stomping his feet because he is happy and he knows it.
My boss told me that if I can`t show up sober then don`t bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!
She texted me: "your adorable." I replied: "no, YOU`RE adorable." Now she likes me, but all I did was point out her typo.
Mornings are the best when they start in the afternoon.
I just devoured a six inch from Subway and I`m still not satisfied. I get it ladies. I get it.
There is a gym called Anytime Fitness. I choose 2030.
Don’t get me wrong, you are hot as hell, I am just too lazy to stalk right now.
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?