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The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
I don`t understand why people have to "get ready" for bed....I`m always ready for bed.
Life is Hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Stand for what you believe in. Or sit on the couch and have a couple of donuts. It`s a free country really.
Every have one of those moments where you look at yourself in the mirror and think "Damn if I weren`t me, I`d totally hit that."
I`m no expert, but I`m pretty sure a lot of economic problems could be solved by extending the McDonald`s breakfast menu back out to 11am.
I wish I could select all my responsibilities and press delete.
Don`t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Word of the day is bishop: My aunt fell down the stairs and I had to pick the bishop.
I see dead people. Well technically they`re stupid people, but give me a few minutes
Try this... When leaving a fancy restaurant tell the people coming in "I recommend you try the donkey, snail or the squirrel".
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
I got Mood Poisoning. Must have been something I hate.