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You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
I’m gonna have to get new pets, I’m running out of passwords.
There are over 10 different flavors of Ramen Noodles, yet they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
If you guys could read my mind! It would be all like; " "
Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.
I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
I`m gonna surprise my hand with some sex tonight!
Life is like a box of chocolates. Get your own and stay the hell out of mine.
I think my credit card looks weird. Could you send me a picture of yours so I can compare?
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like `Stabbyrabbit` or `Weaponrat`
“We don`t lick people!” - Lies adults tell kids
Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
I may be wrong, but I doubt it.
The guys at Home Depot must take classes to know exactly what I meant by "the little thing next to that one piece with the round thing."
Boyfriend: Why do you watch the Food Network it doesn’t make your cooking any better? Girlfriend: Why do you watch porn?